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Femininity Can’t Be Bought, Femininity Tips for Transsexuals

I kind of knew it all along. But I never found the right words to say it in a such simple way. It finally dawned on me, after attending Denaë Doyle’s seminar on “Expressing the Woman Within with Dance”. We can spend as much money as we want on surgeries, hair, cosmetics, clothes and accessories, but all that cannot take us all the way to true femininity. These things might make us look and feel feminine, but they are not the whole story as the world sees it.

Because femininity is a lot more than the ‘facade’. It includes who we are and how we express ourselves in everyday situations. It includes how we carry ourselves, how we move, how we communicate, and how we relate to others. Nothing in the world can ‘buy’ this for us. We’ve got to work on it by ourselves, or (better) with the help of a good instructor. Sure, this costs money, too! But not nearly as much as we typically spend on surgeries or hair removal. The downside: we have to do the hardest part of the work – no matter how good or expensive our ‘femininity coach’ might be.

Feminine Movement and voice are neglected too easily in the transition process. We take our pictures, and see a woman. What else do we want?

Well, real life is a little more complicated, Because the photo camera is exchanged for real people’s eyes and ears, along with their perception of what a woman is or should be.

Here is where the difference between being tolerated and being accepted comes to play. Sure, in the San Francisco Bay Area you will find more tolerance than anywhere else – and that’s greatly appreciated. If that’s the only thing important to you, you don’t have much to worry about. But if you are like me, if you like the freedom to travel safely outside of the Bay Area, if you don’t want your gender status to be recognized immediately, then buckle up for a rough ride towards the land of true femininity.

I often hear excuses, like “I am too tall to pass”, “I have too big of a frame size”, “I don’t have a butt”, or “My hands are too large”. Think twice: Genetic females come in all shapes and sizes, and nobody questions their femininity. I have seen countless women with those attributes, but usually they knew how to play them down. It’s something you can learn, too! But it takes some effort. To get started, consider shifting your reading from Glamour magazine to books like “Flatter Your Figure” by Jan Larkey. Then ask a fashion or feminine image consultant for help. The book will help you understand her recommendations.

Now you can focus on the ‘tough stuff’ – moving and speaking like a woman. This is hard work, and it is somewhat difficult to evaluate yourself. Unless you really have a fine eye and ear for detail, you will need some kind of femininity or voice coach sooner or later. You can get your feet wet with books like “Creating a Feminine Carriage” by Elaine Sagant, or the videos like “Develop a Female Voice” by Melanie Ann Phillips (also available as CD or tape).

Learning to speak like a woman is a lot like learning a foreign language (I learned two – English and French – and it helped!). You will need to practice with somebody who is qualified, honest and unbiased. That’s where the consultants come in. They can teach you more systematically and efficiently, and have the experience to monitor your progress in detail. If you are tight on money, consider a combination of consulting and self-learning. Either way, you will have to practice. A lot…

And while we are talking about practicing: Learn to smile – even in difficult situations. It breaks the ice and opens the door to earn the sympathy and trust of others. It can be the magic bullet to get you out of an embarrassing situation. Haven’t we all been there?

It’s never too late to learn. However, you might have an easier transition, if you develop much of your femininity before you start living full time. This also gives you a more realistic outlook on what to expect in that new role. I have done it that way, and was overwhelmed with the acceptance and support I experienced, once I announced the change. I had gone through great lengths before I finally made the change – including two trips to Europe, to test the waters in my native culture. So far these efforts have paid off. I wish everyone a similar experience!

2008, by Natalie – @femimage.com

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Gay and Queer Books & Guides on Dating, Romance & Relationships

Looking for some more good gay oriented reading material? Here are some books with more practical gay dating tips, gay tips, guides and advice as well as some humor for gay men. Enjoy!

On Picking Fruit by Arthur Wooten

Although he was born gay, Curtis Jenkins has trouble, uh, picking fruit. He is still searching for that elusive man of his dreams.

Unfortunately, Curtis has already formed a self-destructive pattern of choosing all the wrong men, often in all the wrong places. Date after date, hell just gets that much closer. But Curtis is an optimist, and vows never to give up.

Will Curtis discover who and what he truly wants in his life? While he barely survives dates that are funny, frightening, sexy, moving, and even shocking, Curtis may just uncover the fortitude to find Mr. Right (or even Mr. Pretty Close).

Gay Haiku

Joel Derfner wrote these poems after one too many bad dates. I should note that Joel himself doesn’t consider these poems to be true haiku.

It is however a book of one hundred and ten witty and wicked short poems that captures the many dating disasters that he’s experienced. But he doesn’t stop there…

Joel also covers such topics as gay pop culture, politics, family, sex, shopping and home decorating.

Mondohomo

My partner got me Mondohomo for a Christmas present…Was he trying to queer me up? Regardless, I really enjoyed reading it. *grin*

Richard Andreoli, who’s writing appears in a lot of gay magazines, gathered together about eight other gay writers and produced this wonderful compilation of gay culture; where it’s been, where it’s at and to a degree where it’s headed.

The book covers a wide range of topics and is presented by a different author for each chapter. Together they combine essays, best-of lists, and how-to advice; all designed to give you a guided tour of contemporary queer culture.

Mondohomo is both a thought provoking and amusing look at the gay world. I highly recommend it.

How To Get Laid: The Gay Man’s Essential Guide To Hot Sex

From the coauthor of Going Down: The Instinct Guide to Oral Sex, comes the first and only guide for gay men on how to make sure that when they go out looking to hook up, they don’t come home disappointed. Jonathan Bass, (aka Parker Ray) breaks it all down so that any guy can be getting more than he’s getting now.

You’ll learn about the pros and cons of where to hunt: bars, clubs, sex clubs, gay resorts, vacation spots. And because this is the online age, there’s also a chat room guide: what certain phrases mean and what to look out for-because we all know men don’t lie, right?

You’ll get tips on the importance of self-assuredness and knowing how to flirt; how to convince a guy to try something new (like you!); how to send the right signals; how to make the other guys he’s checking out look bad; and how to use your friends to help you get laid.

You will also learn how to navigate the gray area between one-night stands and dating, and finally you’ll learn sleeping-around etiquette along the lines of how not to be rude when you’re being a naughty boy.

The Mandates: 25 Real Rules For Successful Gay Dating

After many years of serial monogamy, Dave Singleton went to the front lines to find out, how to win the dating game when you’re a gay man. He found himself exploring the lives of other gay men who found themselves on the dating fast track with guys they’d met from work, at the gym or bars, and increasingly, on the Internet. Thus, The Mandates was born.

The Mandates is a laugh-out-loud but completely true set of rules about the making, (or breaking) of men’s romantic relationships. (I’ll attest to this as I was giggling in the aisle of a local book store when I checked this book out.)

Gay and Lesbian Weddings : Planning the Perfect Same-Sex Ceremony

Comprehensive, fresh, and funny, Gay and Lesbian Weddings covers everything you need to know to plan the wedding of your dreams. Unlike other wedding planners, this one tackles the issues your heterosexual friends never had to consider. For instance, do you come out to Aunt Gloria before she receives the invitation and the shock of her life?

Gay and LesbianWeddings includes advice on the changing laws regarding gay marriage in the United States and abroad; the differences among domestic partnerships, civil unions, and marriage.

You’ll also get information on budget concerns: choosing your ideal wedding size and style.

There’s tips on keeping the honey in the honeymoon; sex tips—including how to keep the heat after the wedding night.

Plus, there’s a handy Wedding Countdown Calendar, website resources, and true stories from same-sex couples who’ve gotten hitched without a hitch.

Gay Sex: A Manual for Men Who Love Men

Gay Sex by Jack Hart is an all-purpose guide to living a sexually energetic and fulfilling life. Gay Sex gives gay men all they need to know, from tips on how to meet men to negotiating safe sex to dealing with relationships.

There are also discussions on the mental-health aspects of masturbation, fantasy, dating, bondage, S/M, recreational drugs, role-playing, and general physical well-being.

Hart’s writing is clear, concise, and informative; he never overloads the reader with too much scientific information or confusing detail and never adopts a patronizing or moralizing tone.

By treating sex as a vital and exhilarating aspect of everyday life, he manages to both introduce these topics to the novice in unthreatening and helpful ways and inform and enlighten those who have been out and about for years.

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How to Help Your Trans Children

Transsexualism is a condition where the person’s body is one gender and the mind and soul or essence is the opposite gender of what they are physically born with. Indeed it is a proven to be a birth condition. In studies it has been determined that the size of the hypothalmus in the brain, in Male to female (MTF) Transsexuals (TS) is female in size and in Female to Males FTM’s it is male in size. It is the hypothalmus that govern’s ones sexuality. Many assume that being Ts is a matter of choice. It is not. It has nothing to do with religion or will power. It is a product of our enviornment and even nature itself. There are other species of fish and animals that are transsexual.

Besides who would choose this life on purpose? It is a life where most know what they are as their first conscious thought at the age of four or five that body and mind don’t match up. Interests are very different than others of the same physical gender. The MTF doesn’t want to participate in boy activities and the FTM doesn’t like girl ones. They truely feel they are the opposite gender of what their eyes tell them and you. Few will listen to their pleas to let them be themselves though.

Children instinctively know when one of their peers doesn’t fit in. Ts’s are bullied, taunted and ridiculed. Their lives will be hell at a time they should be happy. Many start to blend in out of self preservation internalizing their true selves. Many may not be whole for many years, if at all. Its like having part of you in a spastic coma, unable to respond. While all appears to be well with the Transsexual child everything is far from ok. The child may become depressed and lonley as he/she has no peers. When possible some may dress as their true gender when opportunity presents itself. This isn’t crossdressing to the Ts, but an expression of ones self.

The years pass until puberty arrives and the Transsexual childs Horror story begins. While most teens embrace their metamorphsis it is a living nightmare for the transsexual. All their body parts are changing into something most feel is monsterous and foreign to them. If they weren’t themselves before, they certainly are further away from that now. They are growing in a very wrong direction. At this age many start “cutting” away at their own changing body parts and limbs. The TS suicide attempt rate is as high as 50% at this age. Some will die without parents knowing why. The transsexual teen is painfully alone in his/her disfigurement. Even normal teenage self-gratifaction becomes extremely confusing instead of reassuring. Some may not be able to at all. They grow abhorent to their own bodies.

Many older transsexuals did not have a happy childhood. They were forced to be something they were not. Most were seen to be going through a phase. Children in a homophobic family are not going to confide in their parents. Mom and Dad are more worried about their children becoming “gay” and may try to reinforce the childs physical gender. It doesn’t work and often drives the child deeper into themselves and into dispair. Ts’s who make it to their 20’s and beyond often regret that their childhoods did not exist in their perceived gender. Some elevate the illusion of their physical bodies gender and sometimes even marry, praying that it all goes away. These marriages rarely work though. They are often left with the aftermath of puberty that will make passing in their true gender almost impossible. Many will need to face expensive body and facial surgeries in order to look somewhat believable. What about the 6’6″ MTF and the 5’1″ FTM? How do they fit in? Many are worried about this. Today many aging Transsexuals have had horriffic lives and are changing as late as the mid 60’s. Lives are shattered and reborn. Careers and relationships in tatters they face rebuilding often alone.

We now know that the earlier the Transsexual is treated the better their chances are for fullfilled and happier lives. Treatment can begin as early as when school age is achieved. The first step is to obtain a Gender Therapist for your child. They can help come up with a plan and goals to achieve. In some schools it is possible for a child to attend school in their true gender, with the therapists backing. As early as the age of eleven hormone blockers can be introduced to delay puberty after Tanner Stage 2. Cross-sex Hormones can now be given at age 16. Your teen wil develop as other teens in their true gender would with the exception that they could not have children. There are guidlines in place that therapists and Surgeons must follow called The HBIGDA Standards of Care.

Children who go through treatment at an early age will be able to remember their childhoods in their true genders. Both the hormone blockers and hormones will make passability much easier as children will appear much like their peers will. Heights will be more normal. Lonliness should be less likely and voices for both MTF’s and FTM’s will develop in more normal ranges. Older Transsexuals will not develop any of these advantages. So the earlier the Transsexual starts treatment the better.

Kids are very resilent. As long as they are provided the basic tools that other children have they can do well and learn and grow. The untreated transsexual wil sorely lack in social skills at a time they need them most to develop fully. This will not serve them well. Delaying treatment is a mistake and will stunt that growth. Your child will likely not grow out of this, it is not a phase. So I urge you to contact a gender professional for your child today. Your childs future depends upon it. We have it in our power to make sure that present and future TS generations do not have older, newly emerging, troubled transsexuals in their 40’s 50’s and 60’s, trying to salvage wrecked lives. The Transsexual suicide rate of 31% can drop dramatically with early childhood intervention. It all begins today.

Laura Amato

2006, @ Laura’s Playground

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Real Life Horror Films

Most of us love a good Horror Film. We wait for that moment when we are truly scared as our heart jumps out of our chest. We spasm in our seats and our feet come off of the floor. We love that thrill. What about afterwards will we be scared? Its not likely because it wasn’t real. We tell ourselves over and over “Its only a movie” pass the popcorn.

Imagine though that you were the character and that this was really happening to you. Our minds couldn’t fathom such a cataclysmic disaster of such biblical proportions. Our minds would literally shatter.

Yet everyday Transsexual Teens go through a real life horror story called puberty. Body Parts are turning into something foreign to them. Voices are changing, things are growing. They are becoming their worst nightmare right inside of their own skin, something repulsive to them. Its sheer terror. Meanwhile their peers are going through the same thing but its different for them. They embrace their metamorphosis as the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Their minds and bodies become one. This is not the case of the Transsexual teen.

In the movies at least the victim at least has other characters to share their terror with. In real life though transsexual teens often go through their horror alone. Most dare not share what’s happening to them. They dare not tell their homophobic parents and most have few if any real friends. Most school counselors are ill trained and overcome with their own prejudices to be helpful. The terror is the same whether its for male to female (MTF) Transsexuals or female to males. Who do they tell? Imagine the terror as a Teen FTM has monthly periods and an MTF Transsexual has nocturnal erections. Who will quiet their nightmares?

Teenage years are difficult enough for everyone. It certainly is no picnic even for a psychologically healthy kid. A transsexual teen though does not have this advantage. Their minds and bodies are not in harmony with each other. Most have know this from their earliest memories at the age of four or five. Growing up knowing you are a different gender than what you appear is the essence of a living nightmare.

Is there a solution? Yes there is. It involves non-judgmental listening. Don’t assume this is just a phase. This has been with them since Kindergarten or earlier. Its only rearing its head now because of the terrifying physical changes they are going through. Their minds didn’t suddenly change. They’ve always felt this way.

Whether you are a parent or a school counselor it is important that you recognize this as a life threatening reality. The only solution is to get Professional help from a competent Gender Dysphoria Specialist.

Bear in mind that the suicide attempt rate for preoperative Transsexuals has been estimated as high as 50%. Many are from their teenage years when they are most vulnerable. Transsexuality is not a moral dilemma, it is a physical one.

Parents are often shocked because they feel they would know if their son or daughter had any opposite sex traits, such as excessive femininity or masculinity. They don’t realize that many transsexuals hide it and don’t really want to be what they are for their own protection. Puberty is often the distress trigger. Transsexuality is not a choice but rather is inborn. It is not a moral choice and there is scientific proof to bear that out (see link below). It is a medical condition.

If steps are taken now to just listen to our transgendered teens and take real action then the odds of them living a normal life as themselves is very good. The sooner their nightmare ends the better for all concerned. One can only hope that the incidence of those that have lived through 50 years of Gender Dysphoria will come to an end. Even one year is too much.

2006, By Laura Amato @ Laura’s Playground

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If you don’t know my Gender: Just ask Me

After 55 years of my life a scientist has just figured out what I and most transsexuals already knew at the age of four or five and that’s what Gender we are. ““To discover who or what a child is … you have to ask them,” Dr. William Reiner of the Oklahoma University Health Science Center told a meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science. Although his study was done on intersexed Children whose lives he followed into adulthood his thinking can most defintley be applied to Transsexuals as well. “There is no one biological parameter that clearly defines sex,” added Dr. Eric Vilain of the University of California, Los Angeles, whose research suggests gender is genetically hard-wired into the brain before birth — regardless of which genitalia develop.

After years of assigning Gender to intersexed children based on their chromosomes and what would be best for the child, they now admit that was mistake. So imagine the horror of little Johnny or Mary who are forced to live in a Gender forced upon them by someone else. Imagine the terror as they are injected with the hormones from the wrong gender giving them secondary sexual characteristics and body changes that are foreign to them. So why didn’t anyone ever listen to the screams of these children before. What about the Transsexuals who were stopped from being the gender they knew they were?

That’s right folks. The kids really did know what gender they were at the tender age of four. Transsexuals and the intersexed have been saying this since they remember. Did anyone listen to us before? NO!!! Isn’t it amazing that our brains develop long before our genitals do in the womb.

Bringing up a child in the wrong gender is nothing short of torture for the kids involved. Wearing the wrong clothes, playing with the wrong toys and the whole time just plain not fitting in. At 13 you start turning into a monster if you’re a Male to Female (MTF) Transsexual. Your beautiful voice changes, body hair starts growing, muscles start forming and you turn into a hairy monster. For a trans person this is one nightmare from which you never wake up. You start wondering if Vincent Price and Bella Lagosi the kings of the horror flicks are invading your dreams. “Remember” says my Dad who stands me up from my sitting position to pee standing up “this is for your own good”.

I declared my name to be Marsha at age 4. I changed it to Laura at the age of seven. My best friends name was Marsha. We played house all the time and I was the Mommy. My father kept tossing bags of toy soldiers at me, along with a football and a set of six guns all the time shouting he would make a man out of me. My lifes been hell ever since. I told them I was a girl and no one listened.

Its time for everybody to “wake up and smell the coffee”. I don’t dress up as a woman as a choice. I am a woman dammit. Ok, so the study I’m talking about is for intersexed children. Certainly anyone with half a brain can see the similarities here.

Speaking of studies, where are the studies about transsexual children? There aren’t any? Why not? Because a conservative, religiously influenced government is not going to approve any grant with that dirty word “SEX” in it. That’s why. So transSEXuals have to wait 4 more years for even a chance at getting more humane and compassionate human beings in government Offices. Meanwhile, the torture legally continues for about a million or so Transsexuals. So who do I scream at?

2006, by Laura Amato @Laura’s Playground

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Do Hormones change your mind?

There are many who say that any mind changes for those on MTF (male to female) hormones are mostly psy-chological.They also say that any sexual orientation changes are psychological as well. Does this mean that if this does happen that there was some secret desire there all along? Some say yes. I say No. I believe that at least Female hormones can change the way we think, who we’re attracted to and what our intrests are. I suspect that that is true of male hormones as well.

Let me start by saying that I’ve been in therapy off and on since I was 21 years old. I’m 55 now. The longest stint in therapy is the most recent, 20 years. You would think that in all that time if there were any secret desires or intrests that I would’ve noticed them before i recently restarted hormones again after a long absense. Certainly my shrink of 20 years would’ve found that out.

I’ve got to say that from my own experience that estrogen no matter what the source can have a powerful effect on the mind. Actually most changes were subtle while one a few years ago was quite a shock.

Editor’s note 1: Originally I took herbal phytoestrogen’s because the ad’s said they were safe. What they didn’t say is that for feminization they were recommending mega dose of 8 pills a day when the actual suggestion on the bottle was 1 a day for menopausal syptoms in born women. In March 1996 I had a stroke from bleeding on the brain. My Doctor said it was caused by excessive blood thinning from the high doses. Since I was already on blood thinners this was a disaster. He also said that the pills significantly raise chloresterol which leads to clogged arteries and heart attacks. In three 1/2 years we have had several reports of users here who have had strokes and heart attacks while on Phytoestrogens. All took the megadoses recommended for trans people. To me this is proof that phytoestrogens are not safe at least for trans people. The slight miniscule growth I got was not worth a stroke. All of us reported this to the manufacturers who did not return our calls. This indicates they know full well of the risks though they still insist they are safe.

Editor’s note: In August of 2004 I went to an Endocrinologist who prescribed .4mg Estradol and 2 mg of Premarin. In November of 2004 I had to stop hormones because of a bloodclot in my leg. I am Presently hoping to restart hormones soon after blood levels are satisfactory. When I do restart it will be without the Premarin.

I used to kid my girlfriend about her cleaning habits. No matter where she was she always felt obligated to clean up. I’ve always at least cleaned up after myself but not to the point she does. Even if we’re in a bar she’ll take everything in front of us bring it up to the bar, ask for a rag and wipe up the place we were sitting in front of. She’d even do this kind of thing in other peoples homes. I’d explain that’s what waitresses are paid for. Now after restarting hormones for a couple of months I find myself doing the same thing everywhere I go. Even others have noticed. My bartender recently pointed that out to me. I don’t even think about it.

Another change is I’ve always been into video games. I’d spend hours at it. I even had a web site devoted too it. Suddenly I stopped and lost all intrest and closed the site and stopped playing. While I’ve never been a sports nut I always at least watched the major games especially when the local teams were playing. Now I’m not intrested at all. Out of the blue I developed an intrest in sewing. I used to throw out shirts with missing buttons and now I’m making myself an apron. Wow! Does this mean at the family holiday gatherings I’ll automatically start washing dishes with the girls instead of watching football with the guys? I tend to think so. The wierd thing is my behavior is changing and I’m not even offically out of the closet yet, though that will be soon. Even the words I’ve used have changed all without even thinking about it. It makes me wonder who creates stereo-types. Is it really society or hormones? Fortunatley I don’t mind these changes. In fact I embrace them.

About three years ago I tried the hormones for the second time. I stayed on them for almost six months. Then something happened that scared me and I suddenly stopped them. I’ll tell you why. I always have always been attracted to women. if you check my bio you’ll see that I can’t stand men. I can’t even imagine a friendship with one let alone a relationship even if I become the woman I desire. One day I noticed something. This woman whose derrierre I have admired and lusted after for years suddenly didn’t intrest me. Instead I noticed this one guys ass and it shocked the hell out of me enough to quit the hormones. Why? Was it psychological? I don’t think so.

This time on hormones (2 months) I’ve noticed none of that. if anything, no one intrests me any more. The one thing I did notice was that all three times on hormones I did notice one thing though. I suddenly got intrested in shopping… shopping… Shopping.

Hmmmm.. so my changing estrogen soaked brain is coming to a conclusion here, but is it logical? If you want to stop a woman from shopping give her testosterone and if my girlfriend wants her sons to clean there rooms she should give them estrogen. I wonder if all the worlds problems could be solved this easily?

Sounds logical to me.

Laura, 2006 @ Laura’s Playground

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Same Sex Gay Marriage Diversity

Diversity means difference or unlikeness or the opposite of same. Men and women are perfect examples of diversity. In fact, men and women are called opposites. Sexism and racism are examples of zero gender or zero race diversity, respectively.

The US constitution codifies a requirement for equal treatment (equality) of certain classes of people. Men and women are two such classes of people. Diversity of classes must exist for there to be equal treatment of those classes (equality). Equality, in this context, does not mean without any differences. Equality means treating diverse kinds (classes) without partiality when there is no purpose for partiality.

Homosexuality is the opposite of diversity. ‘Gay marriage‘ is called same-sex. Same (i.e. homo) is the opposite of diverse. In fact, homosexuality is diversity-intolerant, by definition. The opposite sex is always rejected by a homosexual person, when it comes to ‘love’, without regard to the individual merit of that person, just because they are of a different gender! Homosexuality is genetic gender-bias or preference. Since there is zero gender diversity in any same-sex union, same-sex unions also contain zero gender equality. As a result genders are sex-segregated into male and female dominated institutions. “Separate is seldom, if ever, equal”.

On the 50th anniversary of Brown v. Board of Education, that outlawed race-segregation, sex-segregation was instituted via same-sex marriage by the Massachusetts SJC!

Even though gay folks might be nice people, they are twisting the meaning of diversity beyond recognition apparently because it makes society feel more accepting of homosexuality. The ‘Goodridge’ same-sex couple seem like nice people, but they unabashedly say on public television: we do not need a man. Imagine two white people saying: we do not need blacks! There would be an unimaginable uproar in society.

 

same-sex-gay-marriage.com/diversity/diversity.html – 2004

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Queer Gay Sports Eye for the Hopeless Homo

As I was watching “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” the Bravo reality series where five fabulous gay guys transform a straight, uncultured slob, I was struck by a moment where I identified more with the hetero than the homo.

It was a scene where Carson, the fashion maven, was going through the closet of Slob ‘O The Week, and came across his collection of replica NHL jerseys. Carson picked one up that said “Gretzky” across the back and remarked with puzzlement, “Gretzky? What country is that?”

C’mon, dude, I said to the TV. How can you not know who Wayne Gretzky is, maybe the greatest hockey player ever? At least you should know he’s married to B-movie actress Janet Jones; it was in all the tabloids. I’m certainly no fashion poster boy, but even I know about Prada and Tom Ford.

The Fab Five’s apparent lack of sports knowledge led me to an idea: teaching sports-impaired gay men the basics about the world of bats, balls and pucks. Call it “Queer Sports Eye for the Hopeless Homo.” This information can be very useful in those awkward social settings where you have to interact with your ultra-straight brother-in-law, or maybe break the ice with the dad of your new boyfriend. Or even, pray tell, if your significant other would rather watch “SportsCenter” than “Trading Spaces.” I consulted our Fab Five (no, not the Michigan basketball team from the 1990s) and we came up with these following helpful hints, tips and facts about the world of sports.

Culture

–Super Bowl Sunday is a rotten day to throw a surprise birthday party for your football-loving boyfriend. It’d be like him asking you to go bowling the night of the Oscars.

–Contrary to what you may think, “Fantasy Football” is not a shower scene between you and the Green Bay Packers starting offense. It’s a game where you “draft” your own team of NFL players to compete against similar teams of your friends. But don’t be like our friend who picked his entire 2002 team based on which players were the hottest. Talent and looks do not always go hand in hand. Just ask Warren Sapp.

–“The Big Dance” is not the Palm Springs White Party. It’s the nickname for the NCAA men’s college basketball championship, a three-week hoops extravaganza featuring hot, young, sweaty jocks slapping each other on the butt while wearing tank tops and shorts and drinking lots of water. Oh, sorry, it is the White Party.

–You need to get down with the nicknames. “Shaq” is Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal; “Kobe” is fellow Laker Kobe Bryant; “A-Rod” is Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez. “Tight end” signifies a football player positioned to the outside of the offensive line eligible to catch passes, not the headline of that hot guy you saw on Gay .com.

–Gary Glitter’s addictive “Rock and Roll Part 2” (aka the Hey! Song) is the sports national anthem, heard in every arena across the land year-round. Here are the complete lyrics, sung for three minutes: “Hey!”
Even Texas A&M alums can memorize it.

Food

— While watching a game, angel hair pasta tossed in olive oil and roasted garlic is a no-no. Doritos with a side of melted cheese product and a box of Krispy Kremes is as gourmet as it gets. We had a friend’s boyfriend come to a football party last year bearing oranges (it gets worse–they were seedless mandarins called “cuties.”) “You do not bring citrus fruit to a football party,” the boyfriend was told by his partner in a tone that resembled John Madden channeling Martha Stewart.

–Beer is the beverage of choice and it should to be a good, old, red-blooded American mass-produced brew like Bud or Miller. If you go micro, avoid foo-foo names like “Sweet Lavender Ale,” and choose “Snarling Pit Bull Malt” instead.

Interior Design

–A satellite dish with Tivo that can pick up the NFL Sunday Ticket and ESPN Classic Sports is de rigueur.

–You need a couch that’s functional, great to lounge on and the right color to hide beer and grease stains. Brushed leather won’t do.

–The kitchen should be within good hearing distance of the TV so you can’t miss a play. Better yet, go for a TV in the kitchen. And the bedroom. One fanatic we know (an ex-NFL player) has TV speakers in his bathroom so as not to miss a thing (how weird to listen to the Steelers going for 2 when you’re doing the same.)

–Contrary to what one friend’s partner thinks, a football trophy is a proper coffee table addition. Talk about a conversation piece!

Fashion/Grooming

–Avoid inappropriate combinations. A Yankees hat with a Red Sox sweatshirt; a Florida State visor with a Florida T-shirt; anything with “Los Angeles Clippers” on it. Would you wear your dad’s leisure suit to happy hour at the Boom-Boom Room? We didn’t think so.

–It is OK to go shirtless to a sporting event. But you first must be willing to paint “Hi mom! Go Huskers!” on your chest. Please do us a favor, though–before you bare all, at least have seen the inside of a gym in the past year.

–Tattoos are cool but must be appropriate. We have a good friend who’s a huge Minnesota Vikings fan, and he has a tat of the fierce Viking mascot on his behind. In the old days (before he found Mr. Right), he would go up to a prospective trick and if the guy knew anything about football, would say the Pickup Line That Never Failed: “Would you like to go somewhere private and see my royal Viking ass?” Try that with a tat of Madonna.

–Yes, many athletes wear jockstraps during competition, hence their name. And yes, people notice. Denver Broncos wide receiver Ed McCaffrey (all 6-5, 215 pounds of him) and his wife were once interviewed. The questioner noted that Ed wears undersized shoulder pads and mentioned he must also wear a jock strap. The wife said the jock “is a very large one. That’s why the shoulder pads look so small.” And this was on ESPN, not the Spice Channel.

By J. Buzinski Out Sports – 2003

Posted on by Queer News

What is Gender Identity?

Gender is a primary category in which individuals both identify themselves and are identified by others. Gender is not a set of binary categpries, but rather a spectrum. The concept of gender can be restrictive in many ways. People are generally expected to identify as a particular gender, the one which has been assigned to them, and act in specific ways deemed accordingly. While gender roles are the expectations a culture has of one’s behavior as appropriate for male or female, gender identity is, the individual’s actual subjective sense of belonging to the female or male category or neither of the two.

Some people discover that their gender identity does not match the gender role they have been assigned, a condition traditionally referred to as gender dysphoria. In other circumstances, children may be born with both sets of genitalia, a condition referred to as being intersexed.

However, bipolar definitions of gender with the assumption of them matching one’s biological sex can create an either/or situation in which people fail to see the existence of an in between. There are severe ramifications. People who do not identify as the gender they have been assigned face the threat of violence, actual physical attacks, verbal assaults, in the worst cases murder, and at the very least mockery and scrutiny.

Interpretations of Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

Various research and theoretical writing from people such as Kate Bornstein and John Money have examined the notion that gender is a fluid category with room for movement. (Crooks and Baur1998 and Bornstein, 1994) Bipolar definitions, for the most part, require that the gender roles for both men and women involve heterosexuality. This is not always the case. Gay men and lesbian women continue to define themselves as men and women while maintaining primary interest in people of the same gender. There is a conceptual middle ground, almost a crossing between the continuum of gender and sexuality. The existence of people who openly cross this line is certain. Gender identity theories are complex and explanations range from those rooted in psychological, sociological, and biological interpretations, to the personal anecdotes of those whose life experiences have led them to examine the concept of gender. Gender Assignment

Sex is generally referred to as the biological category involving the existence of certain genitalia and reproductive capabilities. Many times people attribute the word “natural” or “normal” to that which exists biologically. Gender is a category which currently maintains two supposed distinct and opposing components. The truth is that many variations in sex exist on a purely biological level. For example, turner’s syndrome involves the existence of female reproductive internal and external structures (Crooks and Baur 1998). Most people with this identify as female however they do not develop breasts nor are they fertile. Klinefelter’s syndrome involves the development of small testes, male reproductive internal structures but also may result in feminization of secondary sex characteristics such as breast development and rounded body contours(Crooks and Baur, 1998). People with Klinefelter’s vary in their gender identity. Androgen insensitivity syndrome involves a lack of set of either male of female internal structures (Crooks and Baur 1998). Puberty may result in breast development but menstruation does not occur. Although they have XY chromosomes, these people mainly identify as female. Several other examples of “natural,” biological contradictions to the binary definitions of sex exist. Suzanne Kessler discussed several problems in choosing the gender of “intersexed infants…babies born with genitals that are neither male nor female.” (Kessler, 1990 ) She notes that the ground on which the determination of a biological male or female is made are socially rooted in “…such cultural factors as the ‘correct’ length of the penis and the capacity of the vagina.” (Kessler, 1990) This sex assignment by persons other than the individual him/herself can cause conflict later in life. If one thing is clear, it is the idea that whatever the root of an individual’s gender identity, it should be a personal decision.

It is important, therefore, to remember that gender identity could have biological roots, but it does not necessarily have to. Many people maintain a gender identity which opposes the gender role they are assigned without having a biologically identifiable root to their gender identity. Gender is a fluid category involving a spectrum of attributes which contribute to gender identity. In the biological respect, there are examples of chromosomal and hormonal combinations in which an individual cannot strictly be deemed a man or woman. In this respect, there are as many sexes as there are humans. On the psychological and social level, several people do not feel that they fit in with other people of the same gender as themselves- they do not feel a part of the gender that they have been assigned without any identifiable biological (hormonal, chromosomal) distinctions between themselves and other people of the same gender. Gender and sex do not necessarily coincide, nor do gender assignment and gender identity. Often times the concepts of gender identity, gender role, and sexual orientation become mixed. But, each is separate and not necessarily a determinant of the next.

Transgender People

The notion of a gender continuum becomes a reality by examining the existence transgender people. The broadest definition of people who identify as transgender includes “anyone who bends or challenges traditional gender roles” (Youth Resource Library). Transgender people contest gender norms “by wearing clothing not generally associated with their own sex and in some cases by modifying their bodies to be more like those of the other sex”(Youth Resource Library). This definition encompasses a large number of people including: intersexed people, transvestites, drag queens/kings, transexuals, and androgynes.

Intersexed people, as mentioned before, are born with genitals “which show characteristics of both sexes” (Youth Resource Library). Transvestites or crossdressers wear clothing traditionally worn by the other gender on occasion, but do not have the desire to change their sex. It is estimated that the percentage of crossdressers in the heterosexual and homosexual communities is about equally at 10% (Crooks & Baur, 1998). This means that 90% of transvestites are heterosexual (Crooks & Baur, 1998). Drag queens/kings present exagerated images of men and women using stereotypes mainly for entertainment. Transexuals feel trapped in the body of the wrong sex. Many transexual people develop a sense of inconformity with their genital anatomy at a young age; some recall identifying strongly with characteristics of the other sex as early as five, six, or seven tears of age (Crooks & Baur 1998). Most transexual people lead heterosexual lifestyles and “…prefer to have sexual relations with a member of the other sex.” – meaning other than the gender they identify as (Crooks and Baur 1998). About 50% of those who have sex changes are female to male transexuals (FTM) (Crooks &Baur;, 1998). The other half are male to female (MTF) (Crooks & Baur, 1998). The number of people living as the gender other than the one they were assigned range from 50,000 to 75,000 and an estimated 25,000 Americans have sex-changing surgery (Brook, 1998). Androgynes or gender blenders “merge the characteristics of both sexes” (Crooks and Baur,1998).

Being transgender has no determinable correlation to being homosexual. Apart from sexuality, transgender people confront gender roles and act in opposition to them. Although they are distinct and unique, each of the above categories challenges gender roles.

The Impact of Gender Identity

The gender identity of an individual can have an incredible impact on his/her life experiences. For example an individual might maintain the gender identity which conflicts with the gender role s/he is assigned. In this case gender, one category generally perceived as simplistic and bipolar, becomes an area of extreme confusion and discontent. Aside from genitalia, which remains generally unexposed, society maintains certain expectation of what each gender should look, sound, and act like. Any deviation from these rigid models opens a person up to at the very least ridicule. Challenging gender roles is often the source of harrassment. Adolescence is a period of growth and development already filled with feelings of awkwardness. Understanding of these concepts open doors to a world of greater understanding and possibly even compassion. Presently, there is little space for those who do not fit within a specific set of gender definitions and regulations. There is a need to look beyond what we see or think we know about other people and start listening to what they know about themselves.

References

  1. Bornstein, K., Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us. Vintage Books, 1994
  2. Brook, J., Sex Change Industry a Boon to Small City. New York Times November 8, 1998
  3. Crooks, R. & Baur, K., Our Sexuality: Seventh Edition. Brooks/ Cole Publishing Company, 1997
  4. Kessler, S., “The Medical Construction of Gender: Case Management of Intersexed Infants” in Signs. Division of Natural Sciences, State University of New York College at Purchase, 1990
  5. Stoltenberg, J., “How Men Have (a) Sex.” in Reconstructing Gender: A Multicultural Anthology. Mayfield Publishing Company, 1997
  6. Youth Resource Library Transgender: What is it? youthresource.com/library/trans.htm

youthresource.com/feat/trans/art_gen.htm – 2004

Posted on by Queer News

Transgenderism

Transgenderism is the practice of transgressing gender norms. A Transgender person is someone whose gender display at least sometimes runs contrary to what other people in the same culture would normally expect. Transgender folks come in several flavors:

  • FTM (female to male) are people who were born female but see themselves as partly to fully masculine.
  • MTF (male to female) are people who were born male but see themselves as partly to fully feminine.
  • Intersexed are those born with some combination of male and female physiology [similar to hermaphrodite], who may accept as natural their mixed gender.

Gender variations are more common than most people suspect, because many people hide their true nature out of fear for their safety and security. Many people explore transgender behavior without identifying themselves as transgendered. Women wearing pants may not seem transgender today, but fifty years ago it would have been. Boys wearing “girl’s clothes” might not see themselves as inherently feminine, yet enjoy playing in this way. While crossdressing is enjoyed by both males and females, it appears to be more pronounced in males because of an imbalance in norms of attire and attitude (we see less transgression when a woman wears a suit).

In order to understand the difference between someone who is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and someone who is transgender, you need to be clear on the distinction between sex and gender. Simplistically, sex is polarity of anatomy, gender is polarity of appearance and behavior. As one becomes more closely involved with transgenderism, these definitions quickly break down, but they serve as a good starting point.

BIPOLARITY

Most people think there are just two sexes, male and female. Such is not the case. People who are intersexed and people who are transsexual constitute sexes which are neither exactly male nor exactly female.

Likewise, gender is not a simple case of “either/or. ” Gender is exhibited by countless signals, from articles of clothing to cosmetics to hairstyles to conversational styles to body language and much more. Though our culture tends to group characteristics into “masculine” and “feminine”, many people find some amount of gender transgression exciting, so there is some fluidity between the two categories. Ultimately, gender is a “mix and match” mode of self-expression, and people within our culture are ever finding new ways to express their gender, with exciting subtleties and intriguing implications.

In general, it works best to think of all effects – sexual orientation, gender identity, sexual identity, and any others – as varying along a continuous spectrum of self-expression, rather than in just one of two or three ways.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION vs. GENDER IDENTITY vs. SEXUAL IDENTITY

Sexual orientation, gender identity, and sexual identity are independent of each other. A person may express any variation of each of these in any combination. To discourage the free expression of identity and orientation by an individual is to impose a damaging burden of conformity.

Sexual Orientation is which sex you find erotically attractive: other (hetero), same (homo), or both (bi). Sexual Identity is how you see yourself physically: male, female, or in between. If someone is born female, but wishes to see their body as male in all respects, their sexual identity is male. It is generally rude to speak of such a person as female, since it denies that person their right to inhabit the social and physical role of their choosing. We refer to such a person as a transsexual, whether or not they have had any surgery. Many FTM transsexuals do not undergo genital surgery, as the results so far are relatively crude and the procedure terribly expensive. As surgical technique improves, such people will be able to achieve more satisfying realizations of their dreams. However, since it is healthier for these people to live in accord with their wishes and heartfelt need, we call them men, though the may have a vagina where one would expect to find a penis.

The situation for MTF transsexuals is equivalent, except that the surgery produces a much more satisfying result, both cosmetically and functionally.

Nonetheless, many transgender people who look like transsexuals in every other regard elect to not have the surgery. Those who retain male sexual functioning tend to refer to themselves as transgenderists, since it is only their gender which is changed. Those that give up (or wish to give up) all male sexual function tend to think of themselves as transsexuals, since they change their sexual function, and therefore their sexual identity. Again, not all transsexuals undergo genital surgery. Some enjoy the atrophy of penis and testicles induced by taking female hormones, and others choose less radical surgical options such as castration (orchiectomy).

Gender Identity is how you see yourself socially: man, woman, or a combination of both. One may have a penis but prefer to relate socially as a woman, or one may have a vagina but prefer to relate as a man. One might prefer to be fluid, relating sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman. Or one might not identify as either one, relating androgynously.

DEFINITIONS/TERMS

People tend to categorize themselves. This identification can be helpful in finding like-minded others with whom to make friends, but it can be hurtful if imposed on an individual by others, well-intentioned or not. In relating to transgender folk, it is best to avoid pushing an individual to choose a category for themselves (tell you what they are). Some folks prefer to explore the fringes of category, and such push for identification work against personal exploration and fulfillment.

Transgender folk have self-identified as:

Drag Queen: Female-emulating male, usually campy, often (not always) gay.
Butch: Masculine-appearing person.
Femme: Feminine-appearing person.
Drag King: Male-emulating woman.
Intersex: Person born with mixed sexual physiology. Often [surgically re-]’assigned’ at birth, such practice is coming under well-founded attack as a hurtful violation of a person’s well-being.
Transvestite: Person who enjoys wearing clothes identified with the opposite gender, often but not always straight.
Crossdresser: Polite term for transvestite.
Transgenderist: Person who lives as gender opposite to anatomical sex, i.e. man living as woman but retaining penis (& sexual functioning). Sexual orientation varies.
Androgyne: Person appearing and identifying as neither man nor woman, presenting a gender either mixed or neutral.
Transsexual: Person whose sexual identity is opposite to their assignment at birth. Not all TS folk undergo ‘sex reassignment surgery’ (SRS), for various reasons, including personal preference. Sexual orientation varies.
Transgender Community: A loose association of people who transgress gender norms in a wide variety of ways. Celebrating a recently born self-awareness, this community is growing fast across all lines, including social, economic, political, and philosophical divisions. The central ethic of this community is unconditional acceptance of individual exercise of freedoms including gender and sexual, identity and orientation.
PREJUDICE and DISCRIMINATION

Unfortunately, the transgender community suffers from severe victimization. Society often reacts to gender transgression by trying to discourage the behavior, punishing the individual. Transgender folk are much more likely than others to commit suicide, to be murdered, to be fired from their job, to be beaten up, and to be hurt in many more ways, some as blatant as open ridicule, some as insidious as non-hiring. There are places where people, simply because their gender expression runs contrary to the norm, are subjected – usually by their families – to the emotional trauma and physical suffering of barbaric “therapeutic” practices such as imprisonment and shock “therapy”. While these are generally done for the “welfare” of the individual, they are too often done to comfort the individual’s family, with little regard for the suffering of the individual. The level of trauma suffered by transgender folk is much higher than the norm, and is reflected in more difficult lives and greater incidence of depression and despair.

All of this is beginning to change, as people learn that there is no harm visited on either the individuals or their families or workplace by gender transgression. In fact, there are and have always been cultures where gender transgression is accepted as a natural part of the life of the culture.

The only harm visited by transgenderism is the same harm that is still too often visited on others by the forces of racism. In the case of transgender folk, the words for the feelings that cause people to oppress us are fear of difference and transphobia. The words for the feelings that bring about an end to the suffering and a healing of this aspect of our society are compassion and tolerance.

altsex.org/transgender/Nangeroni.html – 2004